Venture Capitalist Irwin Federman said, “You don’t love someone because of who they are; you love them because of the way they make you feel.”

You cannot truly connect with someone while only talking about yourself. The way to legitimately get to know someone and make them feel encouraged is to put your attention on them. This means you have to take the focus off of yourself. Have you ever had a conversation with someone that was looking everywhere but at you? It is frustrating. It makes you feel unimportant. I have talked with countless people that are intently starring at me in the eyes as they communicate, but when my turn comes to respond they completely tune out, only to return when they want to talk again. That kind of person is not connecting, they are disconnecting. If you want to inspire people and connect with them, let the conversation revolve around who they are, not just who you are. Seek first to understand them and then you will be understood by them.

Do not be enticed to weave yourself into their stories. I am tempted to do this all of the time in conversations I have with people. Just the other day an individual was telling me a story about their vacation to the beach. Guess what I wanted to do? I wanted to tell them about my vacation at the beach! I cut them off and started to revolve the whole conversation around my trip, and what I did, where I went to eat, how I did this and that, and on and on. I hijacked the conversation by telling them my story rather than listening to their story. No one likes to be cut off or “upped one” as though their trip wasn’t important enough to talk about. To influence others, focus on them, not on yourself. Weaving your stories over the top of someone else’s stories only leads to disconnecting with them. Being an encouraging communicator is first about focusing on others.

Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were two of the most politically competitive rivals in Great Britain in the nineteenth century. Their battles were so intense in the political arena that it flowed over to their personal lives as well. They both were animated men who had a mastery of politics. However, Benjamin Disraeli was the victor who claimed the role as Prime Minister in the end. What separated the two rivals, apart from their political beliefs, was Disraeli’s innate ability to connect with others. The difference is best illustrated by the account of a young woman who dined with both men on consecutive nights. When asked about her impression of the rival William Gladstone, she said, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England, but after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.” Leaders focus on the other person, not on themselves. If you truly want to connect with someone ask their opinion about matters. When you truly value the opinion of others and give them a voice, you will gain their respect, and respect is a great connecter in life and leadership. Respect is earned on the ground of adding value to others.

If you truly want to connect with someone, focus on them…not yourself.